Saturday Southern Slang - The Sensitive "M" Words

WARNING: This post contains sensitive information and will self-destruct after you read it to protect the integrity of it's author.

Do you have daughters? I do, two of them who are now ages 25 and 22. The secret language we created to talk about sensitive things like lady parts and poop are still used today. Why do we take things that already have a scientific name and rename them to sound, well..., sweet? Scientific names are not dirty words. They simply sound too grown up to use with children. Oh, and southern slang keeps us ladies proper.



I can't remember how my mom talked to me about female anatomy or if she did. It may have been "one of those things we don't talk about." I have been open with my girls about everything. And I mean everything. So we, maybe I, created cute little words to replace vagina *gasp* and feces. I'm sure you do the same thing even for boys. Remember "pee-pee" and "wee-wee"?

Today's Saturday Southern Slang is brought to you by the letter M

The 'M' Words for today are:

1. Moo Moo - precious name for lady parts

2. Monk Monk - cutesy name for poop       

  

I have no recollection how these words originated. I just know they work for us. I love it when we are shopping and my 25-year-old daughter looks at me and says "I've got to monk monk." I know we need to look for the restroom. I'm passing on the words to my granddaughter. During bathtime (she's 2 months), I say in the sweetest voice eevvvveerrrr "Grandmom's gotta wash that little moo moo." I swear she coos "moo moo" and smiles. Don't judge.

Feel good about your slang. It shows you have a bonded relationship with your kids. Help us other moms/grandmoms out by sharing some of your sweet words for sensitive subjects with your kids. We just might adopt them for our households. Leave some of your cute, sweet words in a comment.

Defining life,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap

1st grandchild creative writing Saturday southern slang

6 Reasons why the end of Daylight Savings Time is Scary!

...a picture story

dreading the end,

Tammy

The Happy Handicap

What do you dislike most about "falling back?" Leave me a comment!

* all pics courtesy of "Unsplash" on tumblr
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creative writing

My Random Thoughts on Happiness

Happiness is....

                         Listening to classical music
                         ...especially when my daughter plays

 

                       My Dad sitting high and comfy on a tractor like
                                            Oliver Wendell Douglas...

                The beautiful view from my front porch...

Hermie, my long-haired Dachshund with a buzz cut...

                          anticipating my first grandchild in november 2013...

                     lots and lots of things make me happy
                              for a sadly, incomplete list
                   of my random thoughts on happiness...
                               check out my "happiness is" page!


            

Happily,

Tammy

                             The Happy Handicap                                

creative writing humor

Life is my Niche

 

 Life is my niche

 crazy question

what else?

little details that make life better

 Handicap don't define me

happy does

Broken wings refines things

 

'cuz

our song plays on

long after we're gone.

wish i had these

where would they carry me?

into these?

dead end.

all paths don't lead to heaven

 just more sore feet...

Never niche-less,

Tammy

The Happy Handicap

creative writing

Sweet Short Story about my Dogs

My Short Story as published in "Nurturing Paws". Check out the awesome book review http://www.theusreview.com/reviews/Nuturing-Johnston.html#.UXUbfsqqJVg.

All Dogs Do Go To Heaven

Nancy is my friend and she is a dog lover.  She is an extreme dog lover!  She has four Great Danes that live with her and her husband in their home.  Nancy has been my friend for over twenty years and for over twenty years she has been encouraging me to get a dog.  She assured me a dog would help me love more, remove stress and help me to generally feel better all over.  But, I have a dog.  I have two dogs, Percy and Tippy, both mutts, and I love them or at least I thought I did. 

 Nancy is the kind of pet owner ...

that takes her dogs to the vet, a lot.  If they need anything, she gets it for them.  She takes them to doggie daycare, she takes them to the groomer, she takes them to the park, she walks them, she buys them gourmet dog food and she takes them to the acupuncturist.  You get the picture.  Nancy loves, with a capital L, her dogs.  She will do anything for these animals similar to the way I care for my children.  On the contrary, I love my dogs.  I feed them, most of the time.  I play with them by barely touching their heads and saying their names on my way from my garage to my front door.  They get a bath if they stand outside in the rain.  When they get sick, I watch them eat grass in my yard and hope they will get better.   I love my dogs.
 I enjoy teasing Nancy when she talks about the care she gives her dogs and of course, how her dogs love her in return.  Nancy and I have many things in common and we have many uncommon.  I suppose the least common thing about Nancyand me is that she was raised Catholic and I was raised independent Southern Baptist.  Now, I’ve said a mouth full and that’s probably one of the greatest divides known to two women.  Other than that one fact, Nancy and I are very similar individuals.  We are brunettes (when Nancyisn’t playing with her hair color), we are fair-skinned, not sun lovers, health-conscious, intelligent, talk with an accent (hers northern and mine southern), love the arts, love our families and our dogs.

Our relationship started as business and grew into true friendship despite our religious opinions.  She was a salesperson and I, a buyer in business, but in friendship, we were two souls that shared like passions and convictions excepting one thing.  She believed, just like the movie says, all dogs go to heaven.  I believed that dogs, all animals, are soul-less and don’t go anywhere when they die, especially not to heaven!  I don’t let dogs in my house, why would I want dogs in heaven with me?  Many people don’t like dogs and heaven is a place for people, not animals.  Nancy and I had this discussion on several occasions with neither of us agreeing with the other.

It was a Thursday and Nancy was having a particularly hard day when she paid me a visit at my office.  She began to explain to me that her dog, Tramp, was going to have to be put down and her husband had taken him to the vet, just that morning.  I could sense and see the pain in Nancy’s eyes as she struggled to choke back her tears while telling me about her pet.  I didn’t have a mirror in my office but I’m sure if you had taken a picture of me, I looked like a pompous peacock with my feathers spread in an elegant array and she predicted what I was thinking.  She said, with a condemning voice, “Don’t tell me Tramp won’t go to doggie heaven, because I’m not listening!” 

I didn’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings but at the same time, I can’t back down on my staunch religious beliefs.  I said to her, as kindly as possible, “I’m really sorry about Tramp, but, no, I don’t think he will go to heaven”.  Nancy’s countenance fell even more and this is one of those times when I wish I could have “found a little gray” as my husband calls it.  My husband is forever telling me that I should not always be so “black and white” but a bit gray.  At this point, I think my husband means well and I understand what he is saying.  He wants me to soften a situation, not be so abrasive with my views, give a little understanding and so on, but he hasn’t experienced the religious convictions that I have and I think he needs to be more “black and white”, tell it like it is, stand on the promises, hell is hot and so on.

Nancy’s dog did get put down that day and she immediately starting looking for a replacement.  A replacement is what I called it; another member of the family is what Nancy saw it as because there would never be a replacement for Tramp, only another pet that filled the void that he had left behind.  This was all very odd and unusual to me until my dog Tippy started coughing.
Tippy, a very active, small black and white female, would run a while and then have to stop to hack.  Her activities slowed and her hacking grew worse.  My husband and children insisted we take her to the doctor and she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.  She was prescribed medicine to help her breathe more freely by removing the fluid from around her heart and we took her home.  My dad had rescued Tippy from an abusive situation and she had been our pet for about five years.  She was a very friendly dog that loved women and was very leery of the male species.  We had her spayed and I told her all the time that I knew she must think she had died and gone to heaven because of the way she was treated before compared to the way she was living now.  She always kind of grinned and showed me her teeth when I said that.

Percy, my other dog of 15 years, was a Chow mixture with a large plummy tail we got as a puppy.  He had the sweetest face I ever seen on a dog.  Perse, as we fondly called him and Tippy were the best of friends, male and female, about the same ages, old for dogs.  When Tippy became ill, Perse followed her everywhere like a guardian angel protecting her and making sure that she made it home each night after roaming the woods or neighborhood.  When she was safe, he could rest.

Every morning my dogs would greet me when I left for work and escort me down my driveway and miraculously would be waiting to escort me back up my driveway to my house every afternoon.  I loved this daily attention from my dogs and felt particularly sad when Tippy couldn’t make it up the road and back each day.  It became a pointed search every morning for me to find her to check on her health before I went to work.  Some short time after Tramp departed this earth, I found my Tippy, lying dead, in the cold, outside of my home.

I cannot explain all the emotions that flooded my heart and mind.  I began to cry.  And, at that very moment, I believed all dogs do go to heaven.  God reminded me that dogs are his creation, for his pleasure and mine.  Tippy had such a sweet presence that I realized she would be loved in heaven just as she was on earth.  I immediately called Nancy to tell her the good and bad news!  I could hear the smile in her voice as I agreed with her that our pets were not suffering anymore and in a better place.  Two weeks later, my husband had to take Percy to have him put down from old age and grief.  After Tippy left, he just could not rest here any longer.

Today, I have another dog, not a replacement because Tippy and Percy will never be forgotten or replaced.  But, this time, I deeply love my dog and my dog loves me.   I got him right after leaving my career of 27 years.  I’m not sure I would have made it through bouts of stress and anxiety without him.  His name is Hermie.  He is a long-haired Dachshund.  I think I have morphed into Nancy caring for my dog.  Nancy and I have one more thing in common and Hermie enjoys all the luxuries of a pampered dog or should I say, a loved, with a capital L-O-V-E, dog! 

Give your dogs a hug from me,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap

 

creative writing

The Decision Tree: "Leafing Me Sappy"

Are you faced with decisions? Really, is that even a question? We all face minor, major and everyday decisions...even when we don't want to!

Life comes with built-in decision making abilities. Decisions -- a means to an end. If you take the ring, you're getting married soon. If you get an education degree, watch out students! If you stop taking birth control, chances are you'll get pregnant and maybe have not one baby but twins! Compounding the decision, you have to "decide" you're ready for the results of your decisions. Knowing the outcome of all decisions should be as simple as peeing on a stick.

Lighten up! Minor decisions give us breathing room. (let out a big sigh)
We're usually just glad we have money to stretch across all the bills. The thermostat adjusts. You deserve a little time off! Go ahead and take it. The last category of everyday decisions seem relatively simple but nothing to sneeze at. Some of these leave us pondering for days and require a three to four outfit switcharooney.  Which shoes do I wear with this outfit? What do I want for lunch? I really should call my mom today, can I make time?

I face a decision today about my writing. Where do I take it from here? Sitting at my kitchen table with keyboard in hand, I looked out the window and saw trees. Wouldn't it be cool if decision trees were real instead of a flow chart? We could walk into our yard and pick an answer off a limb! I want a cool looking decision tree like the one below.  Why? Because this tree looks experienced, a real chance-taker!

photo credit

The sprawling branches reach for opportunity with every branch. The tree trunk appears solid. The tree assuredly has a safe home if things don't work out. The leaves are lush green telling us the tree exists healthy and happy. Yes, we could trust this tree to make decisions for us. But...it's back to reality. I don't see any answers sprouting on the buds of any trees. I've been watching! I'm leaning toward the direction of blogging full-time instead of working on another book. I'd love to have your opinion. Do you like the blog? Do you get any helpful hints or humor from my babbling? I'm thinking of investing in a dreamy custom blog design, posting my weekly devotions here and upping the amount of blogs per week. I will take blog topic suggestions too!

You can leave me a comment without having a Google account.  Try it out as name/url or anonymous! You decide if the blog title "The Happy Handicap" appeals to you or turns you off and let me know. Thanks for your help. Who better to help me make this decision than my friends?  Here's the sappy part. I love, love, love to hear from you! Love me back with your comment!

Deciding deciduously,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap

creative writing

The Mysteries of Me, Two Thousand One Three

I know me better than anyone else on God's green earth! I wonder about some of the things I keep doing over and over.  Do you wonder about some things you do also?  As we approach "two thousand one three",

I'm gonna try to unravel some of the mysteries about myself....for myself.

After all, we can always improve.  Although, Steve keeps telling me I'm perfect! So, I don't see any need to improve anything for him since "perfection" requires no correction. But.....this is how I feel.

 
I plan to work on the "parts" that drive me crazy about myself.  Want to join me and make your own list?  Here's my top 3:

• I can't enjoy Christmas with a dirty house.  I have enjoyed being hostess for my in-laws for the past several years. I clean my house until I am in pain and have to recuperate for two days.  Why is this? Because I don't think they even notice! Do you think if I didn't clean the house they wouldn't ever come back? Exactly!  They don't love me for a clean house, they love me for the food! Next year I'm concentrating on the food, ditching the cleaning and making them and me merry!
• I can't quit snacking...at midnight. Steve has completely done a 180 on his diet and I can't quit eating sugar, drinking diet soda or maintain a regular eating schedule. The Ding Dong dilemma might have been sad for some folks but Hostess did me a favor by not baking any more Twinkies! Next year I'm practicing some reverse psychology on me. "Sugar is good for this body, therefore I will not eat it"!
• I can't get up in the morning. I AM NOT AN EARLY RISER! Yes, this drives me crazy. I really want to get up and start my day with a bang but it never works out that way. My day usually starts out with a stretch, a yawn and a little pep talk of "Go ahead and sleep 30 more minutes and you'll be able to conquer the world". I can stay up all night but can't wake early. Next year I will focus on increasing my zeal for the sunrise, awake hours and worms!

My list could go on and I thought about listing 2010 more but I decided against it for a couple of reasons:

1. I thought you might get tired of reading, and
2. Honestly, I don't think I annoy myself that much! 

If and when I start that list, I'll ask my family and friends to help me compile it.

Desperately seeking self-improvement,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap

creative writing

Untypical Tammy

Untypical Tammy is my new name, cause things around me have been a bit strange.  I didn't mean for this to come out in verse, but I guess it could have been worse?

It was like the night before vacation and all through the garage, we were packing the car with enough stuff to fill a barge.  Steve had everything neatly packed with shoes crammed into holes and beach towels folded in rolls.  I noticed the trunk of my car had been up for a while but I didn't question him for fear of his reply.  Men know what they're doing, even when they don't, I wish I had followed my intuition because the trunk light came back to haunt.  The next morning when we started to leave, the car didn't want to go, turning the ignition the battery said "Oh no, no, no"!  Steve searched for the battery and it could not be found, the owner's manual showed him the spot and the look on his face was profound!  Unpacking and repacking, the battery is in the trunk, Steve could have kicked himself and I wondered why I kept my mouth shut. It's so Untypical Tammy.

Sloane and I were walking the dunes, on our way to the beach, we couldn't get there too soon.  Our day was planned, sunbathers we'd be, but the path was exhausting and sweat started to bead.  We would lay on our towels and be happy with that until Sloane spotted a chair and umbrella stashed on the dune, we discussed borrowing it for our afternoon. "It'll be okay" was Sloane's tune!  She continued to bribe me with her bravery, "If the owner's come after us, leave everything to me.  I'll do the talking, wait and see".  Steve couldn't believe the audacity of our actions, I looked at Sloane for help and she acted like I was the one who snatched it.  The next thing I knew a lady was approaching and I begged Sloane to get out of the water and  explain our poaching.  "You've got our stuff" shockingly she exclaimed, "We carried them down for you" sweetly I explained.  I'm still marveling why I agreed to take them, embarrassed and shamed.  I learned a lesson and Sloane is to blame.  It's so Untypical Tammy.

I feel Bewitched speaking in rhymes, Dr. Bombay could cure me and wouldn't charge a dime.   Sloane suffered a kidney stone and Hermy's been puking, Steve meet an ex-CIA agent and I'm worried about enemy nuking.  The days seem long with the sun always high, but Florida is nice and I'm looking to buy.  I'll need some privacy for my tanning though because everyone doesn't understand my silicone toes.  It's so Untypical Tammy.

Writing lines and killing time,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap


  

creative writing humor

I Am who I Am

Last week while shopping in Ingles, I was greeted by the manager of the store, Ken McCoin.  Ken is always so kind and polite.  He makes me enjoy shopping at Ingles and he makes Sloane happy to work for Ingles.  I hope Ken doesn't mind me retelling his story.

Ken broke a tooth, right in front!  He shared with me how hard it was to go around the store and talk to people trying to hide a broken tooth.  Then, he remembered reading my book, Labeled by Humanity, Loved by God and he said it gave him inspiration to smile openly and not be ashamed of his broken tooth.  He said to me "I am who I am".   His tooth story made me smile inwardly for the next few days.

We arrived at Sanibel Island on Saturday, June 30th.  Now...I don't like the beach for several reasons:

1. I hate sand (it never lets go)
2. The ocean scares me (it goes on forever)
3. It's difficult to walk in sand (it tires my feet)
4. People stare at me (I have to wear my prosthetics)
5. I am not a sunbather.

As I was sitting on the beach, I looked down at my shoes and socks and thought of the pics that women post on facebook of their feet at the beach.  I decided to take my own. 

Cool pair of shoes, huh?  As I was taking this picture, Ken's story inspired me!  I am who I am.....shoes and socks on the beach and all! This made me smile outwardly.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July!  Happy Independence Day!  I'm going to look at my independence in a different way this year.  Independent of everyone else, God made me uniquely me.

Shoed, Socked and Beached,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap



 

creative writing humor

Blown Away

I'm feeling a bit like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz today...Blown Away!  I don't own a blue gingham dress, have long enough hair to make nice pigtails but I do have a dog named Hermie.  This year has felt like five months in Oz with the Bad Witch and flying monkeys creating a scary scene that I'd like to wake up from.  Yes, the winds have been a-howling but, thank God, our house is built on the Rock. And if it weren't for the precious characters in my life, I might want to click my heels and go somewhere different than home.

Steve, my brave lion, far from cowardly.  Put em up, Put em up!  Which one of yous first?  I'll fight you both again if you want.  I'll fight you with one paw tied behind my back.  I'll fight you standing on one foot.  I'll fight you with my eyes closed.  Yes, he's everything a woman could ask for in a man.  He's brave, a fighter, protector and covered in hair all over.  If you've seen Steve lately, you know that's an exaggeration!  I love him and he'll fight for me, witch or no witch, guards or no guard.  He's going in and I can't talk him out of it. 

Sydnee, my scarecrow, the happiest one in the crowd!  She's full of funny faces and humor even in the toughest situations.  No, Oz never did give nothing to the scarecrow that she didn't already have.  Brains running out her ears, she has to keep poking them back in and I think a few may have spilled out.  She's always fashionable with the latest hats and scarves.  She's teaches Math and I can't even pass college algebra.  "The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining sides." - Scarecrow

Sloane, my tin man, a bit uptight and a little rusty around the edges with a heart of gold.  "And I was standing over there rusting for the longest time.  Now, I know I've got a heart 'cause it's breaking...".  Scary time of life for Sloane, about to graduate college and the future is uncertain but isn't the future always uncertain? Her heart will lead her and that ax that she carries will do the rest!  Keep your heart dripping with love and you might want to get some fashion advice from the scarecrow.  That hat looks like you bought it at Auto Zone.  Just sayin.....

 Uncle Henry and Auntie Em, my Dad and Mom.  This picture looks just like them.  My Mom always pointing and showing us how to do things and my Dad looking at her like he's heard it all before but I think I'll do it my way anyhow!  The support and love of Dorothy's precious family just like my Mom and Dad brought her back to Kansas which she called home.  I have never forgotten there's no place like home and there's nobody else like Mom and Dad. 

Trey, Sydnee's husband, is my Professor Marvel.  Trying to figure it all out.  He doesn't have a crystal ball or taro cards but he might try to use a poker deck.  He's an entertainer, thinks he's artsy and all.  I can tell Sydnee has been dressing him again!  In the end, although he's a philosopher wanna be, he doesn't have many of the answers but he is a great friend to all.  Everybody loves Trey, including me.  He's kind of a misfit but he likes it that way.  It keeps him mysterious and out there.  Just look at the picture of him.  It was turned a different way from all the others and I'm having to make up more and more writing about him to fill this space.  What the crap? 

Now that's what I'm talking about.....Ruby Red Slippers!  It would be nice if a Good Witch would give me a pair of ruby red slippers that I could make a wish and click my heels and presto, it's done!  But the facts are:  I couldn't wear the dang things if I had them.  The heels are too high and my prosthetics would make the sides bulge out!  I wouldn't even have enough toe action to click my heels together.   Big sigh.....
                                                     Over the rainbow and still I'm,
                                                                                                            The Happy Handicap

creative writing

All I want for Christmas is memories!

Who knew? Just who knew that in 2011, technology would have changed so much that it would control my memories?  Actually, the technology is being controlled by a photographer but I am still a slave to it.  All I want for Christmas is memories from my daughter's wedding this year.  One little hard plastic disk with data.  Data that has magically embedded four hours of one day in October 2011 that cannot be relived or recreated.  I'm not a very sentimental person either but I would love to have the pictures from my daughter's wedding. But I want you to know, if we don't get them, I'm still a very happy, sorely disappointed, handicap!  My emotions run deep today and it feels better to talk about them. :)

On a lighter note, with faint kidney stone pain and everyone present and accounted for, we opened our gifts this morning.  I got things I've been wanting, a blow dryer, an iPhone car charger, Sydnee happily married, the new Bill Clinton book "Back to Work", a nice stand mixer, a successful gallbladder surgery for Sloane and money.  I'm already reading the Steve Jobs biography and I'm figuring that when I finish both books, I'll be able to use my Apple "i" products to solve the current world economic crisis!  I got Steve a Cracker Barrel rocking chair, maybe he'll have it put together by the time he retires! lol 

I hope each of you create a memory or two of your own this Christmas.  We are all blessed beyond comprehension in our least favorite moments.  I don't really even like pictures but the day of my daughters wedding, I was so busy making sure everything was going correctly (being Tammy) that I didn't really "enjoy" the day, I was managing it without a thought that we would still be picture-less 10 weeks after the wedding.  Pictures are nice but I've learned a valuable lesson.  Don't rely on them to enjoy and reminisce big events in your life.  Breathe in each moment you live embedding your own data or images into your brain and then you can random access them whenever you choose, even without a power supply.

Merry Christmas,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap

creative writing

Falling and Feelings

Aaahhh Fall! That's what most people think. My daughters love Fall and my husband just loves living period, doesn't voice a particular feelings about any season. Fall is beautiful but it is just that, a fall. We are falling into winter, which sometimes feels like a dark chasm to me. The trees become bare, the grass dies, the ground doesn't produce for several months and the corner of the world we are in is dark more than it is light. God knew winter needed some Light, he sent Jesus in December! We experience the shortest, darkest day of the year in December. Thank God for Christmas, that great Christmas feeling lasts, for me, right up until we are Springing into Summer!

Enough about feelings, nothing more than feelings, trying to forget my feelings of.........have you ever read someone breaking out in song? For you old timers, you will remember that popular song, "Feelings". The rest of you should youtube-it for quite the treat! Anyways, my mom's dog hates me! She's a white pomeranian with orange highlights and her name is Peachie. She looks like a peach, fuzzy all over. Click in the video bar at the left, on the second video right above the YouTube logo and you can see Peachie in action!

Peachie is a great daughter to my mom and dad, a great auntie to my daughters, a nice sister-in-law to Steve, but she is not a good sista to me. My mom lovingly says she doesn't like my scent, what?? I don't like Peachie's scent either but I don't try to bite her! I think she discriminates against handicapped people and it's my limp she doesn't like! She's prejudice to the core. My Mom rescued her from the pound. Her former owners were a hispanic family. I think it may be my dark hair and dark features she doesn't like and most hispanics are short! You can see from the video that she really doesn't like me. This is a video when mom first adopted her, she's over a year old now and she will almost peel my skin back biting me these days!

My daddy calls her Peaches which drives my mom up a wall but, he calls my dog Shorty and his name is Hermie! I call his dog Cookie and her name is Candy! My mom likes the dog because she is pretty! I asked her if she would have sent me back if I had been uglier. What am I thinking? She almost didn't bring me home from the hospital! lol I love joking around about my family and our pets. I love all our pets and all of them are so loving to me except Peachie. She better watch out for me, I wonder if Taco Bell is needing any meat? I'm just not feelin' her!

Just kidding,
Tammy, The Happy Handicap

creative writing humor